her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
