Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
