girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just pee around me
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
