Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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