I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
