I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Randomize
