So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
