Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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