Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
