i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
