I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
