I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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