Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I intend to get homeless drunk
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
