you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
