I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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