You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
