also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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