Christians are straight up FREAKS
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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