this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
