Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
