Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
