We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
