Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
