It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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