that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
