Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
