my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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