its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
