If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
