imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm always down for nudity.
I have post one night stand depression
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