i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
