this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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