So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so let's talk penis.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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