I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
