When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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