Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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