im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
