I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
