i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He better not be in your backpack
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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