I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
