you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
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