I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
