i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
