it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
