just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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