and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
