I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
