birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
