I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Randomize
