fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
